“Can we talk about something please?”
Benjamin looks at Alexander and nods.
“Sure, what’s on your mind?”
“I told you about my ex, Christian...”
Benjamin’s jaw clenches.
“Yes. You did.”
“I’ve been working through some of the things he did to me but I hit a wall. I think I need your help.”
“Anything you want, love.”
Alexander smiles a little at the term of endearment.
“The problem is... was... that his abuse hit very close to home. Almost indistinguishable from my kinks. So it took me forever to separate them... Anyway. I think if you and I can reclaim the kink, I might get over the abuse.”
Benjamin frowns.
“Is that wise?”
“It's tricky. It can be dangerous if done with the wrong person. But I trust you with my life.”
Benjamin kisses him and nods.
“OK. What do you need?”
“Preparation. We’ll have to work it out in advance, we might need a safeword—“
Benjamin raises an eyebrow.
“Might?”
“OK you’re right, we will need a safeword. And we’ll have to be prepared for me to have a breakdown.”
“Hence the safeword.”
“I might not catch it in time.”
“So I will.”
Alexander stares at him, overwhelmed by his emotions. Benjamin kisses him again, a slow, sensual touch that grounds Alexander almost instantly.
“I love you so much,” Alexander whispers, tears welling up.
“I love you, too,” Benjamin says and kisses a tear away. He enfolds Alexander in an embrace and holds him until Alexander breaks away and clears his throat.
“Anyway. Operation ‘Get my kinks back’!”
Benjamin chuckles but turns serious right away.
“I like that approach. So. What do you need?”
“I think we should start with being ignored. I used to fantasise about being ignored by my partner, having to beg and degrade myself to get his attention... After Christian... It was too painful. I’d like to try and get it back.”
Benjamin winks at him.
“I’m not sure I’m a good enough actor to pretend I’m ignoring you... But I’ll do my best. So, you— what, approach me?”
“I thought maybe I prepare, make myself as appealing as possible, and yet you don’t react? Make me wait, maybe tell me you’re busy? Order me into a position or give me a task, and I have to keep coming back to you? Try to push me as far as you think I can go. And then, finally, allow me a little contact. And aftercare.”
“Tons of aftercare. Also I think I’ll need a two-step safeword.”
“Yellow/red?”
“Yeah. Yellow for ‘keep going, but not for very much longer’?”
“That would be perfect. I could let you know that I’m close to breaking point but the release would still be in your hands.”
Benjamin moves in. His voice drops to the seductive murmur that never fails to get a reaction from Alexander:
“And don’t you love that, release by my hands.”
Alexander goes into sub mode almost immediately. His pupils are blown and he fights to swallow.
“It’s so easy to get you there,” Benjamin purrs. “You’d do anything, wouldn’t you?”
“Yes I would,” Alexander struggles to get out.
“Whatever it takes, just to please me.”
“Whatever it takes.”
Alexander is shaking, but it isn’t anticipation. Or at least it’s not entirely anticipation. Benjamin backs off.
“You’re too vulnerable right now.”
Alexander looks heartbroken. He shakes his head vigorously.
“No, I’m good! Let me—”
“Sshhhhh. It’s all right, Alex. Why don’t we leave the kink aside for the moment and you just let me make love to you?”
Alexander’s eyes get wet again. Unable to say anything he just nods and allows Benjamin to wrap him in his arms once more.
“I love you,” Benjamin says very softly. “Just let me spoil you a little. Let go. Relax.”
A few days later over dinner Benjamin studies Alexander’s face. Alexander is quiet tonight, and Benjamin can’t be sure what’s on his mind. Once they have finished their meal Benjamin asks:
“Are you OK?”
“Nervous.”
“We don’t have to—”
“Yes. We do.”
Benjamin puts his fork down with a sigh.
“I don’t think it’s wise to force this, Alex.”
“I want it back. He ruined it, he took it from me, but I crave it. You said you’d help me get it back.”
“I will. I’m just not sure you’re there yet.”
“So what am I supposed to wait for?”
Benjamin heaves another sigh.
“Are you absolutely sure you trust me?”
“Yes.”
“Do you believe, truly believe in your heart that I love you, that I adore you, and that I’d never do anything to harm you?”
“I do,” Alexander says with a grateful smile.
“All right. So anything I am going to say or do once you’ve given me the go is part of the game. It’s not real, you hear me?”
Alexander nods.
“And you will promise me you’ll use your safewords if necessary.”
“I promise.”
Benjamin takes a breath.
“I’m ready,” he says, voice level.
“Game on,” Alexander says and leaves the room.
He closes the bathroom door and leans against it for a moment. His hands are shaking worse than they have in a long time, and all he wants is to throw himself into Benjamin’s arms and be held. He grinds his teeth. Christian won’t have the upper hand much longer. He’s determined to get his old self back.
He shaves very carefully. Should Benjamin feel like touching him, there will be nothing but smooth skin. Alexander is going to be completely bare for him. He brushes his teeth, takes a shower, styles his hair and lubes himself up. His hands are shaking again, but it’s part fear, part excitement now. And he’s getting hard. He swallows and opens the bathroom door.
Benjamin isn’t in the living room as Alexander thought he would be. He hesitates for a moment and turns to the bedroom. He knocks. No answer. Should he check or wait?
“Benjamin?”
Still no answer. He decides to risk it. He carefully opens the door—no Benjamin. That only leaves Benjamin’s study, which means he will really have to interrupt. Benjamin hates being interrupted. No. Christian hated being interrupted.
He’s trying to pry Christian away from the movie he’s watching by sinking to his knees in front of him. No warning—Christian hits him, full on backhanded, across his face. The ring he wears cuts open the skin on Alexander’s cheekbone. He can feel the blood run down his face. He presses his hand to the wound and looks up at Christian in shock. Christian’s eyes are glued to the screen. As if Alexander didn’t exist. He staggers to his feet and makes for the bathroom.
“Where do you think you’re going?” Christian hisses.
“Bathroom. I—”
“Shut the fuck up and get back here.”
He spends almost an hour kneeling between Christian’s thighs, waiting for the movie to end, and only then is he allowed to suck him off. Christian pulls out, his cum spilling over Alexander’s face. Christian smears it across the cut on his cheek and then forces his fingers into Alexander’s mouth.
Alexander returns to the here and now, shaking all over, rooted to the floor, hand raised to knock on the door to Benjamin’s study. He knows he’s not up to it, but he will push through the trauma rather than let his abusive ex win.
There’s no answer to his knock. He takes a breath and opens the door. Benjamin has his laptop open and doesn’t react.
“Hey,” Alexander says quietly. No reaction.
“Can I get you away from work? I’m all prepared.”
Benjamin looks at him for a moment, face completely expressionless, and returns his attention to the screen. Alexander swallows. His longing for Benjamin’s smile is physically painful.
“Please?”
Benjamin pushes his chair back and leaves the room. His laptop is still on, so Alexander assumes he’ll be back. He kneels down next to the desk and waits. Head bowed, naked and half hard, hands behind his back, shaking slightly. After a few minutes he hears Benjamin return. Without lifting his gaze he says:
“Is there anything I can do for you?”
The silence is unbearable.
“Benjamin? Is there anything? Just tell me what you want, I’ll do anything.”
“I know. You always do.”
Alexander hears him sigh, and then he says:
“Fine.”
Alexander breathes out in relief, waiting for Benjamin’s order.
“The toilet needs cleaning.”
Alexander is stunned. He risks a glance. Benjamin is typing, already having forgotten about him. Alexander swallows and raises to his feet.
“Of course. Any special orders?”
“It’s a freaking toilet. Not rocket science.”
Alexander nods and leaves the room, his face flushed and his balls throbbing.
After he’s done he takes position again. Benjamin doesn’t let on if he’s noticed his presence. Alexander waits, wondering if he should speak again. Maybe Benjamin means to make him work for it? And then there’s a little sound, as if Benjamin might have moved in his chair. Alexander looks up. Benjamin’s eyes are on him. He trails his gaze slowly down Alexander’s body, and then he rolls his eyes and turns back to his laptop. Alexander feels despair creep up.
“Do I have to beg? Because I will.”
He licks his lips.
“Please. Please look at me.”
“I just did. Didn’t see anything I’m interested in,” Benjamin says without taking his eyes off his work.
Alexander’s hands are shaking uncontrollably and he’s feeling sick.
“What do I have to do?” he chokes out. He hates the way his voice sounds.
“I don’t know, make me an offer,” Benjamin says coldly, still not making eye contact. Alexander closes his eyes. He can’t breathe. He knows what he wants to say but it’s so hard. He can’t make Benjamin wait any longer though or he’ll lose what little interest he’s shown. Alexander takes a breath.
“I’m lubed up. I could prepare myself, stretch, get ready to take your cock, if you want.”
No reaction.
“I could do it in front of you if you’d like to watch,” he tries, desperate and fully hard now.
“No,” Benjamin says with a sigh. “Do it in the bedroom. Let me know when you’re fit for use.”
Alexander doubles over, his forehead touching the floor. He takes a few shallow breaths. Then he stands and walks towards the door.
“When I’m ready, will you take me?”
“Depends on the TV programme. I might decide I’d rather watch something. So you’d better hurry up and make sure you’re more appealing than the TV.”
“That’s Yellow,” Alexander says in a low voice before he goes to the bedroom.
Alexander lays down on the bed, eyes closed, desperately hoping he’ll be able to hold Benjamin’s attention, and starts stroking his hole. A bit more lube, one finger. His other hand strokes his balls. His head falls back. If only Benjamin—
“That looks delicious,” Benjamin says, leaning in the bedroom doorway, shirtless, stroking himself through his jeans. Alexander freezes.
“Keep going,” Benjamin purrs as he pushes off the door frame. “You know my size. Make sure you can take me.”
Alexander is still frozen in place, eyes wide, trapped between hope and fear.
Benjamin sits down on the bed and covers Alexander’s hands with his.
“This is Red, my love. Game over. You did amazing.”
Alexander starts shaking again, eyes locked with Benjamin’s.
“It’s over, Alex. You’ve had enough. Come here.”
He puts his arms around Alexander and kisses his forehead, and Alexander dissolves into his embrace. He’s crying, shoulders shaking, breath hitching.
“Sshhhhh, it’s all right. I’m here. I love you. Do you have any idea how hard it was to resist you?”
“Do you... do you still want me?”
“I’ll always want you. But right now I think that isn’t what you need, is it?”
Alexander slowly shakes his head. Benjamin settles down more comfortably and holds Alexander against his chest, and after a while he says:
“So tell me your high and low points.”
Alexander takes a breath.
“Suggesting I prepare myself in front of you, that was delicious. Working up the courage to say that was sweet torture, humiliation in the best possible way. True high point for me.”
Benjamin kisses his forehead.
“You saying no to it was tough.”
“You’ve no idea,” Benjamin says with a smirk, but then he turns serious.
“Was that your low then?”
“No. My low was you looking at me and deciding I wasn’t attractive. That was brutal.”
Another kiss, lingering and sweet.
“You know it was fake, right? You know that’s not really what I think?”
“Christian used to humiliate me by shaming my physical appearance. I still haven’t shaken that I guess.”
Benjamin takes a deep breath, trying to keep his anger out of his voice.
“Come with me.”
Alexander looks at him quizzically but complies. Benjamin leads him out into the hallway.
“Take a look in the mirror.”
Alexander averts his eyes.
“I said, take a look.”
He stands behind Alexander, his arms sneaking around Alexander’s waist, his chin on Alexander’s shoulder. Alexander closes his eyes and leans back, revelling in Benjamin’s closeness, the warmth of his skin, the gentleness of his embrace.
“Open your eyes and take a look,” Benjamin whispers.
Alexander reluctantly does, his gaze unsteady.
“What do you see?”
Alexander tries to break free but Benjamin doesn’t let him.
“What. Do. You. See?” Punctuated by little feathery kisses.
Alexander shrugs.
“Nothing out of the ordinary?”
Benjamin smiles and shakes his head.
“OK, fine. I see the most beautiful eyes. I’m still not sure what colour they are—they change from green to grey, depending on the light and the colour you wear. And I see kindness and generosity and intelligence and warmth—also cheekbones, and jawline.”
Alexander blushes a little.
“And the way you look at me is such a turn on,” Benjamin murmurs. “Also I love the way your hair starts to curl when it gets a little longer, and don’t get me started on your hands. You’re beautiful, Alex. And seriously hot.”
Alexander turns in his arms and kisses him.
“I could get used to this,” Alexander says softly.
“Being complimented?”
“Yeah.”
“I’ll shower you with praise if that’s what it takes. You’re worth it, Alex. You’re gorgeous.”