While they are going through Benjamin’s photos Alexander finds an envelope. It says ‘Ben’ and there’s a smiley face next to his name. Alexander holds it up.
“What’s this?”
Benjamin looks inside and grins.
“Oh I guess you’re going to like these!”
He takes out four photos, all of them in black and white: close ups of a man’s body in bondage. Alexander’s eyes widen.
“Oh my god. Is that you? Who took them?”
“A friend at uni.”
“Are there more where these came from?”
“There must be. I’ll check.”
Later in bed Alexander kisses his way down Benjamin’s body.
“I really hope your photographer friend will find more of those pictures. I can’t stop thinking about rope on this body...”
“Not quite this body. More like this body minus 30 pounds.”
“Must have been quite the sight... But isn’t it a bit too submissive for you?”
“For playing it wouldn’t be my cup of tea, but just for the aesthetic... It did look pretty hot if I dare say so myself. And I liked the sensation of rope on skin.”
“Hm.”
“You never tried it?”
“No.”
“I’d love to see you in bondage. I bet you’d look gorgeous.”
Alex thinks about it for a moment before he says:
“OK. But no camera. Just you tying me up.”
“Really?”
“Really. We’ve been doing all sorts of amazing stuff because I wanted it. It’s about time we do something for you.”
~o0o~
Benjamin pulls Alexander’s hands behind his back and starts winding rope around his wrists. When he’s done he steps in front of Alexander to look at his face—and freezes. Alexander is white as a sheet and barely breathing.
“Alex? What’s wrong?”
There’s no answer. No reaction at all. Benjamin undoes the knots as fast as he can. Alex still doesn’t move, doesn’t even bring his hands forward. Benjamin takes them and gently leads Alexander to the bed, guiding him to sit down.
“Alex? Love? Please talk to me.”
Alexander doesn’t. He just curls up in a ball and starts mumbling “I’m sorry” over and over.
“Alex. Look at me. You’re scaring me! Alex, please, I’m at a loss here. What’s going on?”
Benjamin wants to touch Alexander, hold him, comfort him, but he’s unsure if that would be the right thing to do. So he just waits. It seems to take forever but finally Alexander calms down enough to look at Benjamin.
“Christian,” he says, and Benjamin grinds his teeth.
“He kept bugging me to let him tie me up. I knew that I couldn’t trust him so I kept saying no. That one night when we’d both had too much wine he managed to talk me into it, and I found out what a massive sadist he really was...”
Benjamin inhales but doesn’t get a chance to speak. It seems like Alexander wants it out of his system in one go.
“He was brutal, getting all excited about seeing me in pain... He wouldn’t listen when I begged him to stop, and when I got too noisy he gagged me, and then he announced that he would find my limits. Which to him meant find out how much pain I could take until I’d pass out.”
Benjamin feels sick.
“That’s torture,” he finally manages to say. “It’s neither safe nor sane and most definitely not consensual.”
Alexander doesn’t even seem to hear him.
“He went through with it. He just kept going until I finally did pass out, unable to take any more, and when I came to, he had untied me and was nowhere to be seen. But he had made good use of me while I had been out.”
Benjamin tastes bile.
“And that is rape. Actually it was rape from the moment he got you intoxicated. How on earth did you think it was a good idea to let me tie you up without telling me this?!”
Alex starts shaking.
“I’m sorry, Ben, I’m so sorry! I forgot! Don’t be mad at me please!”
“No. No, no, no! Sshhh, I am sorry. I’m sorry. Please calm down. I’m not angry. Not at you anyway. You did nothing wrong.”
He softly caresses Alexander’s face, trying to judge if that’s OK. Very gently he asks:
“What do you mean you forgot?”
Alexander takes a breath and sits up.
“Repressed, rather. I honestly didn’t remember until my hands were tied, and then it all came rushing back and I was so scared I couldn’t breathe.”
He turns to Benjamin and kisses him.
“This is different. It’s you and you’re gorgeous and I trust you but my brain was being a bitch. I’m sorry. Can we take baby steps please?”
Benjamin can’t believe it.
“You still want me to tie you up?! After that trauma?!”
“I do. Now that I remembered I can navigate this like an adult. I’ll just have to drill into my stupid head that it’s different now.”
“Can you even hear yourself? Would you ever talk like that to a traumatised patient? To me, if our roles were reversed?”
Alexander deflates. He shakes his head.
“I love you,” he whispers and buries his face in Benjamin’s lap. “I really want this. I want to be helpless at your hands. I want it for you, and for myself. Please?”
“If you’re absolutely one hundred percent sure... But we’ll be taking the teeniest tiniest baby steps in the history of steps.”
“Check,” Alexander says with a shaky smile and presses a kiss to Benjamin’s thigh.
“Good boy,” Benjamin says and caresses Alexander’s hair, desperately trying to get his raging emotions under control, and there’s no talk of rope for quite a while.